Etheral Presence

“ Etheral Presence”

I can’t let go.
Don’t force my hand. Don’t try to.

The room stifles my breath. As I gasp for air,
I look back and spit into the swirling despair.
This sort of crap never even bothered you.
When hurt, you struggled on forever true.
I wish I had just some of that strength. But I would
stay the weakling I am just to have you back. Even for a moment.

I shut my lids passed tears being forced out, that tight.
And then I looked over my shoulder to the right.
And I started to see you. Just a vague image but there you were
hazily staring back. And then you faded. But it was you I am sure.

I remember smiles and bubbly laughs.
I remember pains and divergent paths.

I won’t let go.
Dig your nails in. Nothing will change.
The weight continues to grow. As it snaps my spine,
I stand on my broken bones refusing to whine.
You bore weights that dwarf this into a mere crumb.
When crushed, you smiled brushing away the depressive glum.
I wish I had just some of that resiliency. But I would
endure this for existence just to hear you laugh. Even hushed once.

Days passed. I took out your little frame.
Numb shock set in.  I realized things won’t ever be the same.
I huddled up and my head fell down resting on my knees.
And my eyes gently shut as my loneliness I tried to appease.  
And I started to see you. In the darkness I heard a faint sound
and I realized it was yours. It ended after one. But it was you I found.

I remember hopes and common dreams.
I remember terrors and echoing screams.

I refuse to let go.
Tear my skin off. I will hold on.

The serrated spike digs right in. As my blood pools out
I feel calming warmth enter me and a rush of doubt
which retreats as thoughts of you resurface latently.
When injured, you hid it and teased me playfully.
I wish I had just a fraction of your disposition. But I would
stay the wreck I am just to have you kid. Even flustered once.

As time went by my melancholy became my comfort.
My saturated eyes belied my anger, became my retort.
I shut myself off from the world but eventually re-entered the living
but aside from acted-out smiles this pain kept on endlessly giving
while little else felt real. Tired of feeling so lonely, I dove headfirst
into every pleasure I could find but only felt regretting I was the worst.
In the faces of those around me I saw a slight glow as jokes led to smiles.
In others I found your spirit as I made genuine ones for the first time in a while.  

I remember warmth and giggling fools.
I remember isolation and life cruel.

Here I lay clinging to you and the edge overlooking this depressive pit.
My tormentor whispers memories in my ears as I begin to believe this is it.
And finally my skinless, pierced hand starts to slacken its grip as it devilishly grins.
And then as the last vestiges of touch escape me, I dive into the pit of my life, my sins.
Suddenly I feel a bolstering of spirit as I am lifted up by your memory and instantly
I see your face, hear your laugh, feel your embrace as, battered, I float into the sky
hugging your ethereal presence. The same one I never realized was always there.
The one present in everything that built me up to survive this nightmarish despair.
And with that I placed flowers, smiling over our past as I read R.I.P. Rest in perfection, Claire.